i don't know. i said my final goodbye, grabbed my things, and kissed him for the last time. he's out of my life.

and i have no idea what to do with myself.

i don't know who to call late at night. i don't know who to chat on im with at work. i don't know who to run to when i feel like no one understands. i don't know who will hold man my hand when i'm scared. i don't know who will hug me randomly. i don't know who will keep me warm in the winter. i don't know who will make all my reservations for me and take me to new places. i don't know where i'll stay when i'm in nyc. i don't know how i'll ever go to my belly dancing class again. i don't know who will encourage me to learn things that i normally wouldn't learn. i don't know who will give me new books to read with messages to me embedded in the book. i don't know how to think without him in my thoughts. i don't know how to live.

he was such a huge part of my life. he was my life, and now he's gone. even though he's still right across the river from me, i have to push him out of my life in order to heal from all of this. i feel so foolish because people who really do lose their loved ones can't ever see them again. i can, but i won't. i need to be strong.

my best friend and what i thought to be my soulmate just died to me.  ¶ 7:15 PM