pandas are a girl's best friend.
9.17.2007
i don't know.
i said my final goodbye, grabbed my things, and kissed him for the last time. he's out of my life.
and i have no idea what to do with myself.
i don't know who to call late at night. i don't know who to chat on im with at work. i don't know who to run to when i feel like no one understands. i don't know who will hold man my hand when i'm scared. i don't know who will hug me randomly. i don't know who will keep me warm in the winter. i don't know who will make all my reservations for me and take me to new places. i don't know where i'll stay when i'm in nyc. i don't know how i'll ever go to my belly dancing class again. i don't know who will encourage me to learn things that i normally wouldn't learn. i don't know who will give me new books to read with messages to me embedded in the book. i don't know how to think without him in my thoughts. i don't know how to live.
he was such a huge part of my life. he was my life, and now he's gone. even though he's still right across the river from me, i have to push him out of my life in order to heal from all of this. i feel so foolish because people who really do lose their loved ones can't ever see them again. i can, but i won't. i need to be strong.
my best friend and what i thought to be my soulmate just died to me. ¶ 7:15 PM 0 comments
and i have no idea what to do with myself.
i don't know who to call late at night. i don't know who to chat on im with at work. i don't know who to run to when i feel like no one understands. i don't know who will hold man my hand when i'm scared. i don't know who will hug me randomly. i don't know who will keep me warm in the winter. i don't know who will make all my reservations for me and take me to new places. i don't know where i'll stay when i'm in nyc. i don't know how i'll ever go to my belly dancing class again. i don't know who will encourage me to learn things that i normally wouldn't learn. i don't know who will give me new books to read with messages to me embedded in the book. i don't know how to think without him in my thoughts. i don't know how to live.
he was such a huge part of my life. he was my life, and now he's gone. even though he's still right across the river from me, i have to push him out of my life in order to heal from all of this. i feel so foolish because people who really do lose their loved ones can't ever see them again. i can, but i won't. i need to be strong.
my best friend and what i thought to be my soulmate just died to me. ¶ 7:15 PM 0 comments
9.07.2007
symmetry
it started off with a bang and it ended with a bang.
remember allen? yea, that idiot, coward, and a$$hole all wrapped into one little (and i do mean little) package. the guy i met on a plane going to hawaii. the guy who whisked me away from a tumultuous relationship. the guy who also lied to me when he said he wasn't seeing anyone when i first met him. i should have figured it out then. if he lied then, he'd lie again to the next unsuspecting girl.
so get this. it's a hilarious story, really. it solidifies the fact that my life should be a reality tv show.
i was falling more and more in love with allen. it was stupid, though. he never gave me what i needed. he never made me feel special. but i loved how he was different. and how he was growing into a better person with me. lies, lies, LIES. he went to chicago for labor day weekend. he was visiting his best friend and trying to hook him up with girls. he doesn't even know if that's what his best friend wants. he just assumes. dick. he plays wingman at a bar in wrigleyville. his "game" is too good that he brings home a lady for himself, but no one else. he pretends to be single. he pretends he didn't spend the last 9 months of his life with an amazing and beautiful girl who cared so much for him. he takes her HOME. but nothing happened between the two new lovebirds because she was so drunk she passed out, skirt above her head.
the next day, his friend has to work, so allen and the whore spend the day together. they go to the same brunch spot he loved to take me to. and they go to her place so they can make out and he can unsuccessfully go down on her. think about this. he took the time and made the decision to travel south to work on a stranger. someone he knows nothing about. someone who hasn't made him smile and laugh for 9 months. someone who wouldn't have followed him around the world just to be with him and hold his hand.
wednesday. he breaks up with me. he says it's been coming for awhile. lies. things were getting better between us, and this breakup was a complete shock to me. his stories were unraveling.
thursday. i see on facebook that he has a new friend... a friend that i new in high school. we sat next to each other in english class and made fun of the teacher with no neck. i casually ask him, "whoaa! how do you know her?" he answers, "a friend of a friend." this is odd. he is a specific person. before he responded, i already write the girl a message asking her a similar question with a similar light tone. she responds, "i met him at a bar in wrigleyville this weekend. it was my birthday, i was really drunk. apparently, i gave out my info."
click.
the funny part is that this is the first serious relationship where i didn't do anything wrong. i feel dead and numb. i feel like i'm at the lowest low i've ever felt in my entire life. i think i've felt and accomplished a lot of things in my almost 24 years in this world. but nothing has ever hurt this much before.
things can only get better.
karma's a bitch.
oh, and to end this wonderful post and to remind me never to trust a guy when he says, "i've changed," a picture of my bastard ex-boyfriend (in the background with the smirk) and my old high school friend (right). facebook is a wonderful thing.
¶ 7:12 PM 0 comments
remember allen? yea, that idiot, coward, and a$$hole all wrapped into one little (and i do mean little) package. the guy i met on a plane going to hawaii. the guy who whisked me away from a tumultuous relationship. the guy who also lied to me when he said he wasn't seeing anyone when i first met him. i should have figured it out then. if he lied then, he'd lie again to the next unsuspecting girl.
so get this. it's a hilarious story, really. it solidifies the fact that my life should be a reality tv show.
i was falling more and more in love with allen. it was stupid, though. he never gave me what i needed. he never made me feel special. but i loved how he was different. and how he was growing into a better person with me. lies, lies, LIES. he went to chicago for labor day weekend. he was visiting his best friend and trying to hook him up with girls. he doesn't even know if that's what his best friend wants. he just assumes. dick. he plays wingman at a bar in wrigleyville. his "game" is too good that he brings home a lady for himself, but no one else. he pretends to be single. he pretends he didn't spend the last 9 months of his life with an amazing and beautiful girl who cared so much for him. he takes her HOME. but nothing happened between the two new lovebirds because she was so drunk she passed out, skirt above her head.
the next day, his friend has to work, so allen and the whore spend the day together. they go to the same brunch spot he loved to take me to. and they go to her place so they can make out and he can unsuccessfully go down on her. think about this. he took the time and made the decision to travel south to work on a stranger. someone he knows nothing about. someone who hasn't made him smile and laugh for 9 months. someone who wouldn't have followed him around the world just to be with him and hold his hand.
wednesday. he breaks up with me. he says it's been coming for awhile. lies. things were getting better between us, and this breakup was a complete shock to me. his stories were unraveling.
thursday. i see on facebook that he has a new friend... a friend that i new in high school. we sat next to each other in english class and made fun of the teacher with no neck. i casually ask him, "whoaa! how do you know her?" he answers, "a friend of a friend." this is odd. he is a specific person. before he responded, i already write the girl a message asking her a similar question with a similar light tone. she responds, "i met him at a bar in wrigleyville this weekend. it was my birthday, i was really drunk. apparently, i gave out my info."
click.
the funny part is that this is the first serious relationship where i didn't do anything wrong. i feel dead and numb. i feel like i'm at the lowest low i've ever felt in my entire life. i think i've felt and accomplished a lot of things in my almost 24 years in this world. but nothing has ever hurt this much before.
things can only get better.
karma's a bitch.
oh, and to end this wonderful post and to remind me never to trust a guy when he says, "i've changed," a picture of my bastard ex-boyfriend (in the background with the smirk) and my old high school friend (right). facebook is a wonderful thing.
¶ 7:12 PM 0 comments
